Thankful Runner Girl

Give Me Your Eyes...

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 03:41:36 GMT

Well I've been trying to meditate a little bit, although truthfully all I have time for is about a song's worth so my current meditation has focused on a song by Brandon Heath....
Here's the blog I posted on my Multiply account with the words that I have been focussing on...hoping to feel better soon as I HATE being sick :-( Anyway here's that blog....

Give Me Your Eyes...

Jan 14, '09 4:59 PM
for everyone

I didn't list this as one of my New Year's Goals but I've been trying to meditate more so I thought maybe I'd share my current meditation....

Give Me Your Eyes for just one second, Give me your eyes so I can see, Everything that I keep missing, Give me your love for humanity, Give me your arms for the broken hearted, One's that are far beyond my reach, Give me your heart for the ones forgotten, Give me your eyes so I can see...

These words are sung by a man named Brandon Heath. He also has a song called Not Who I was that I really like to listen to when I run...

Anyway this has been my meditation since the new year. If your interested in hearing the song you can go to itunes and listen to a snippet or you can go to his website here... http://www.brandonheath.net/ and listen to a little bit longer piece of the song. I think it is beautiful...but that's just me...

Anyway...today for these words...I Give Thanks!

New Year

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:47:22 GMT

New Year

Well another New Year has begun. I suppose it officially began January 1st but for some reason today seems more like the beginning. Jason is back to work but as you can see I am not. 6 more days of winter break before I return. Today is kind of gray and rainy. I don't much care for gray or rainy skies :-(

What's new in my running world? Well I'm still training to run the Carlsbad Half Marathon on January 25th, looking forward to that, sort of...not because I'm not prepared. I feel like I can get through it alright, guess it's just the gray of the day...

What else in the world of running...I've actually reduced my running and am currenly suplementing with weight lifting, Pilates and Aerobics every other day in an effort to strengthen otherwise unused muscles and it seems to be going okay.

Not much else to report there, except the first points race of the year will be soon upon us, hoping to get some PR's this year, well I guess the beginning of every year is a new PR isn't it?

So for New Years and Running ....I Give Thanks!

Chapter 16...

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 14:33:43 GMT

I feel bad about hogging up all of Maria’s space in her comment area so I thought I’d use my own space to blather about what I thought about Chapter 16 of The Purpose Driven Life.

What I learned from this Chapter was for me really revealing. I learned that it is important to invest time in my church family, to invest time and energy in loving and caring and learning about people in my church family, which I don’t really tend to do very well. I think, I could be wrong, but I think the point of this chapter was to remind us that we need to love our fellow Christians, especially those who attend our home church, the idea being if we can’t get along with the people in our own congregation why would any one in their right mind think it was a good idea to attend your church let alone become a member or even a Christian. I think that was Mr. Warren’s point and I think it was a good reminder for me for several reasons. If I am being honest, which I’m trying to be, I really don’t spend as much time with my church family as I should. I don’t ask about people or after people like I should. I’m part of a ladies group at church but I don’t “care” about these people or “love” these people as much as I should. I think I need to do better at this because a church that promotes healthy relationships will be a church that thrives and that will speak louder to people than words ever could about the power and love of Jesus Christ, our savior.

Some things that I have started to do are pay more attention to the ladies in my ladies group. Part of the reason I volunteered to head up the dessert booth was because I wanted to feel more a part of my church, more like a member and not just a lurker. I have had the opportunity to learn about and fellowship with several new ladies and I find that enjoyable J I took this chapter to heart the first night of the festival when the little old ladies in the group were complaining about almost everything, the size of the booth, the way the tables were arranged, how big to cut the slices of pie or cake, etc...etc…and the words of this chapter just came back to me and so instead of automatically assuming that they were just annoying old biddies I tried to really listen and understand what it was they were really upset about and well I learned a lot about patience and listening.

When I read this chapter the first time I underlined a sentence that struck me. “Busyness is a great enemy of relationships.” I’m not saying that I’m not a busy person, I can be just as busy as the next person if I want to be but the thing is I don’t want to be. I don’t schedule every minute of my day. I don’t plan every one of my weekends a month or two ahead of time. This sometimes irritates people but this is how I operate the best. I don’t like to feel like I have to be somewhere or do something. I keep my schedule to a minimum so I can enjoy spur of the moment trips to the zoo or a visit with someone or a day trip/drive to the mountains or the sea. Admittedly this isn’t the most efficient system in the world, I concede this to be true but it does allow for a great deal of room. The only thing I really schedule are my runs, which I even try to be flexible with, and to a certain extent the classes I teach but even there I try to leave room for flexibility, room to try something new or interesting or to have an extended conversation if the opportunity arises. I’m not perfect but I try very very hard to make sure that in my life “busyness” is not my enemy but my friend and that I spend time loving, sharing and caring about people.

Anyway back to the subject…sort of…Maria talked a little bit about how she, for lack of a better term prioritizes her relationships and I found that an interesting idea to mull over…

My relationship with my God isn’t a best friend kind of thing, my relationship with Him is one of deep respect and understanding of the sacrifice He made so I might live. I wouldn’t categorize God as my friend; can your God be your friend? In my opinion the disparity is too great for us to ever be equals. I talk to God all the time, or try to; as I go through my day I may mumble this or that especially when my patience is being tried. I enjoy feeling his presence, some days I feel it more than others, is this relationship always my priority, sadly the answer is no, sometimes I am too busy for my God, sometimes I am too lazy for Him, and sometimes I honestly don’t really think I need Him all that much in that particular moment of time, whatever it may be, this is something that I am constantly working on and hopefully before I die I’ll get there. I’m getting better at this. I do think God and I have a strong relationship. My relationship with Him guides how I live my life, so in that regard I think I’m doing okay.

The next relationship I regard as important is Jason. Jason and I spend a lot of time together, actually my dentist just a few months ago said we seem to spend more time together than the average couple, weird observation I thought so it got me thinking and I think he’s right. If Jason is sick I’ll stay home to take care of him, make him soup, run to the store for orange juice, etc…not every time but lots of times, even if I had something important to do at work I change it so I can be home. If we find out about something cool we can do on the weekend and we need to travel to go there we will take time off so we can go. Some days he will take a half a day so we can go see a movie or so we can just hang out together. We eat lunch together 2 or 3 times a week and even though we may be working on different things we spend most of our evenings together. We run together and we talk all the time. I love him. I love being with him. I love listening to him laugh. I love watching him. I love his arms and being held by him. I love kissing him. I just love him. I know not everyone likes or even agrees with Dr. Laura but I’ve read a few of her books here and there and frankly she’s right about a lot of things concerning husbands and I try to follow them and they work for me. The first being they need to know you love them, so I tell him everyday that I love him. They need to know they are important to you, so I don’t just tell him he’s important to me I show him. I don’t plan things in the evenings or on the weekends without checking with him first. I ask him if he needs anything or wants anything. I try to do nice things for him like baking his favorite brownies or cooking dinner’s for him even if I’m tired. I buy his favorite cereals or protein bars. I ask about his day when he gets home and I listen when he tells me about what happened. They need to know you are proud of them. I tell Jason how much I appreciate him everyday. If I hear him saying something negative about himself I immediately say something positive to him. I tell him what a great husband he is and I acknowledge or try to when he’s done something really nice for me that he didn’t have to do or doesn’t usually do, like washing the dishes or actually picking his clothes up off of the floor. I let him know that I think his is a great man with a good heart. The heart of our relationship is God and that makes everything so much easier. Of course there are times when I just want to strangle him but we usually end up laughing during those times too. We are almost always laughing. My biggest fear is losing him.

My daughter, not that she’s third, she’s not. We had a father/priest come visit our church one day and he talked about families and he said the most important relationship in the family dynamic, after God, was the relationship between the husband and wife because everything in the family was rooted in that first relationship before there were any children involved. That always struck me, he said some other things that day that I found revealing. I myself notice that Laina loves it when Jason and I are dancing together or when we are just sitting together and watching her. I remember watching my mom and dad dancing always made me so happy. We love Laina but that love has to come from somewhere so we have to nurture our love for each other so we have more love to give Laina and I think that’s alright. Jason and I probably spend more time with her than with anyone or anything else right now. She has been so wonderful. She makes me laugh everyday. I love her so much. She fills my heart with happiness.

My family also gets a lot of my time, in different ways, sometimes it’s time just spent worrying about them, most of the time it’s physical time, time spent with them. I like that I live so close to them. I like being able to drop by whenever I feel like it. I suppose in a way maybe they are my security blanket. I like to spend time with them and visit with them. I like to go places with them and just be with them. My second biggest fear is losing members of my family and there are more ways than death that you can lose someone, aren’t there? Over the years I’ve learned many important life lessons one of the most important being the realization that my family is bigger than blood. God has used Laina to teach me many many lessons one of them being that the capacity to love someone beyond understanding is not limited to DNA, the capacity to love comes from God and love that comes from God is limitless. For a long time I defined my family as my genetic family but truly my family is God’s family and that includes lots and lots of people some of them I know well and some of them I don’t. God has used Laina to help me understand that He wants my heart to be open to any person He places in it, this has been very revealing to me.

I may spend more time on occasion with my genetic family but my heart is full of love, concern and longing for all my family. My family is God’s family. I think that this is a very important life lesson to learn and I am glad to have begun learning it. I must get better at some things but that’s what life is for isn’t it?

Anyway those are some of the things I thought about after reading this chapter. So today for Chapter 16…I Give Thanks!

My Olympics

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 22:20:07 GMT

...

Well I finally have some time to update my thankfulness journal. The beginning of the school year is always really busy but so far I’m enjoying! My kids seem pretty good but they always seem good at the beginning, then you find out who they really are…Ha! Anyway and I love my new schedule, so far so good. I am in charge of the dessert booth for our annual church Harvest Festival and I’m enjoying that as well. It’s a little bit of extra work but its okay because it doesn’t really feel like work. Today I’m baking cookies and cream cupcakes for the booth and tomorrow I’ll probably make brownies or something similar. I’m thinking about baking a Malted Milk Cake…Yummy we’ll see what I have time to do.

Lots of things to be thankful for but they are pretty simple things, like being able to run, even though it’s at 4:45 in the morning now and dark when I’m out and about. I’ve recently discovered the yumminess of cheese less pizza. My brother ordered one from Round Table and so we had a couple at Laina’s birthday party and it was yummy! I’m thankful that our tire went flat in our garage and not when we were out and about. My mom seems to have recovered from her cough and we are hopeful the “lump” the doctor found won’t be there when she goes back for her re-check on Monday. I’m thankful to have her to care for Laina. She is a really good grandmother. I’m thankful for my dad and his relative calm state of late and in general I’m just thankful that he’s still with us. I really hope my kids have grandparents they can remember but I guess that’s not really up to me is it? I’m thankful for my “ninja cat”. Starbucks are recent addition from Christmas follows me on my runs. He will follow me for about a quarter of a mile, seriously and when I’m headed back home I will see him shadowing me through peoples yards around cars etc…so I’ve dubbed him my ninja cat. I’m thankful our rabbit looks okay, seems he has recovered from whatever was ailing him. I’m just really trying to be thankful for every minute I’ve been given. I was talking to Jason this morning about how I thought we are all in our own Olympics of a sort.

The athletes train and sacrifice for one moment every four years and some of them only ever get one shot at competing, most with no hope of a medal or any recognition. I told Jason it’s like life, we only get one shot and most of us will fade out of memory when we are gone, really life/living is our Olympics. I am thankful for the chance to compete.

So today for school, dessert booths, running, flat tires in convenient places, parents, ninja cats, live rabbits, and my Olympics…I Give Thanks!

Can You Tell Me...

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:25:17 GMT

How to get, How to get to....Sesame Street.... So we had a fun party on Sunday! I think everyone had a nice time, I did, it seemed Laina did and she managed to blow out her own candle, that was kinda cool...Anyway one of our games was a Sesame Street Trivia Game....why don't you try you luck....

Are You Down with the Street?

1. Who lives in a trash can?_______________________________

2. Who is Ernie’s Best Friend?______________________________

3. Who is Elmo’s best friend? ____________________________

4. Who always eats the letter of the day?____________________

5. Who loves his rubber ducky? __________________________

6. Who is Big Bird’s best friend? _________________________

7. Who discovers the number of the day?____________________

8. Who is Elmo’s pet? ___________________________________

9. Who flies through the air even though he’s not a bird? ________

10. Name one human who lives on the street?___________________

11. Who has his own world? ________________________________

12. Who is Oscar’s best friend?_____________________________

13. What color is Cookie Monsters nose?_____________________

14. What’s the word on the street?__________________________

15. Today’s party is brought to you by the letter? ____

and the number ______.

Bonus Question (2pts)

What’s the name of Mr. Hooper’s Store?

______________________________________________________

How old is Elmo?

_________________________________________________________

Today I'm thankful for Laina's birthday :-) She's now officially two and if you ask her how old she is she will proudly hold up four fingers and say..."TWO", so funny, anyway back to school tomorrow so thankful for my mom who also happens to run a small day care :-) Lucky for me, should be going back to a part-time teaching assignment which makes me happy, we'll see if the principal honored his word and the schedule that was printed last school year, ummm what else, well maybe for being sick?, makes you slow down doesn't it, not that I usually move all that fast but probably needed the rest....Hmmm...I lost another pound last week but it seems to have found me and brought along a friend, a few friends this week, who knows what's going on, hoping it's just the usual "monthly" thing, outrageous...anyway well headed out for a little actual birthday day celebration tonight, farmer's market and maybe some spinning involved :-) Okay....so

Today for Birthdays, Moms, pounds lost (and gained?), farmer's markets and dancing...I Give Thanks!

A Mother's Heart

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 12:31:45 GMT

The heart is a strange thing isn’t it? I’ve been watching the Chapman’s this week. If you don’t know who they are, they are a Christian family whose dad, Stephen Curtis Chapman is a pretty famous singer in the Christian circle. Personally I love his music and have been to several of his concerts. Anyway in May, they lost their 5 year old daughter, Maria Sue, to a terrible accident, in which their son, Will Franklin was involved. The mother said something yesterday that has stuck with me and I woke up with those words in my head…She said, “The heart of a mother” and then something else and she was talking about how she didn’t really care if there tragedy helped anyone, she wanted Maria back. I’d never really heard it explained so well…

You see I’m still sad about my baby, not all the time, but sometimes more than I think is okay but now I think it’s okay, it’s just my “mother’s heart”. I don’t know if that makes sense but it feels alright now to feel that pang of sadness now and again. I have a friend who said that not all miscarriages are as bad as mine, not everyone feels labor pains, vomits, is sweating, doubled over in pain. She said some are just like really bad periods. I said I wished mine was like that and she said “ well at least you know it was real” I think I have post-traumatic stress disorder or something, images pop into my head at the weirdest times. I can see Jason helping me wipe dripping blood from my leg. I can see the panicked look in his eyes. I can see myself sitting on the toilet, sweating, crying, screaming, wondering really why no one told me it was going to hurt this much. I can see Jason looking at me and I remember thinking, “I look terrible”, funny kind of makes me laugh now, but not really. I can feel the doctor probing around and I can feel Jason’s hand holding mine and I remember thinking, “well guess we don’t need to finish the babies room” I can hear myself begging my mom to come to the hospital and I can hear her telling me not to cry. I can see myself grabbing my rosary from the mantle and putting it on my belly and praying, begging really for the baby to be okay. I can hear myself telling Jason, “I don’t think it’s going to be okay” and him saying, “It will be okay, I promise” (the only promise he ever broke, so far) Blood everywhere, the morphine that numbed me to what was really happening, my family sitting in the emergency room, mom, dad, sister, brother and my aunt and as they rolled me out I remember thinking how much I had let them all down. I was really hungry, my mom brought me some animal crackers, my sister and brother came over to our house and sat and watched a movie with me. I knew I had to look okay so they wouldn’t worry. Anyway it helps to write about it, even though I’m pretty sure most people are tired of hearing about it but that’s what helped bring me back, it was my support group for ladies who have miscarried or had stillborn babies, here was a group of ladies who understood my heart exactly. Every once in awhile someone would come along who had escaped our circumstances, gotten pregnant or adopted and who would tell us it would get better, most of us wanted these women to take their happiness and hit the road. I had a well meaning friend who told me I should talk to someone. Little did she know I already was and they said I should talk about my feelings because it would help. The problem was after a certain point I got tired or grew weary of the support group and wanted my “regular” friends back but most of them didn’t understand the grieving process. So when I told them I couldn’t’ sleep at night or woke up for no reason, or when I told them I’d been sad for a couple of days or so, or even when I just wrote about how crappy I felt I got well-intentioned advice or really nothing at all. I mean when I finally was able to reach out, only a few people were their the rest were living their lives, doing their things and didn’t have time for my “stuff”

Anyway as I listened to Mrs. Chapman explain how she felt, as I listened to her talk about her “mother’s heart” I finally realized after all this time that that’s what it is, that’s what I have and it’s perfectly normal. I have a “mother’s heart” and that heart wants it’s babies with it, it was like a light switch went on, blink, “It’s okay to miss your baby, it’s normal, you don’t need “help.”

It was normal to wake up in the middle of the night and to feel like there was darkness in your heart almost all the time, for awhile. It was normal to be sad around pregnant ladies and to skip baby showers. It was normal to cry when movies about ladies having babies were on TV. It was/is normal to miss my baby. Mrs. Edwards said it best in her book, “Saving Graces” she said, to paraphrase, it never really goes away, it’s always there lurking in the background, but you must go on. Mrs. Chapman said something similar when she said she didn’t really care if their appearances helped anyone, she wanted her daughter back, but if she wasn’t going to get her back then she was going to honor her in some way. It was normal to not want to be around your friends for awhile or to just be sad. It was and is normal to want to talk about it, once in awhile, usually for me, it’s when something triggers the memory, an anniversary, special event, someone like the Chapman’s, thus here I am again and as usual after writing my heart is a little lighter. Stephen Curtis knows he’s going to dance with his daughter once again, in heaven. There aren’t many people I believe who will get straight into heaven but Stephen and his wife perhaps are two people who will and I believe they will dance with their daughter again just like I believe I will see my daughter and spin around with her just like I do with Laina J Her birthday is next Tuesday, her party is on Sunday, Sesame Street. Jason says that we do everything just a little overboard. I say I don’t care, most people don’t know what we know about kids, most people don’t understand how truly precious they are and if people think Laina is spoiled well that’s their prerogative I suppose but I prefer to think of her as loved and I don’t really think you can go wrong by spoiling someone with love, at least in my 12 years of teaching I’ve never seen a kid spoiled with love turn out rotten. I’ve seen lots of un-spoiled with love kids who do rotten things and who sometimes turn into rotten people, but I guess that’s another blog….

So on Saturday I have to pick up 6 four foot tall balloon bouquets of Cookie Monster, Elmo, Bert and Ernie, Big Bird and Oscar, tomorrow I’m baking Elmo and Cookie Monster cup cakes, yesterday we built a sesame street sign and a pin the nose on Elmo game and packed gift bags and wrapped prize gifts and wrapped a couple of birthday gifts for the birthday girl who said, “Elmo, Elmo” when she saw the paper and I am excited to watch her enjoy herself, hoping she won’t be sick, Jason brought home some nasty cold the other day, so I’m going to do the only thing I can do. I’m going to pray to God to help keep Laina well so she can enjoy her party, to help me not get too much more sick so I can do what I need to do and I know He’ll hear me. I know some people who think that God doesn’t get involved in everyday intricacies of life that he just kind of sits back and watches. I know some people who think that there are so many other problems in the world why would God have time/or want to deal with my problems. That’s not the God I know, the God I know told me, “You are never alone” and from his book the God I know promised He would always be with me and that he cares about every aspect of my life from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, he has the hairs on my head counted and knows all the thoughts and prayers of my heart. That’s how I know He hears my prayers and He performs acts and wonders even to this day, big and small. I don’t know why he took Maria Sue or Baby P, well I kind of understand that a little better now, but I don’t understand the Chapman’s loss but someone else said life is like one of those photo mosaics where it’s one big picture made up of lots of different pictures, you know? It’s not until you step back from it that you can see the image and I suppose Life is the same, it won’t be until we are able to look at the whole of our life that we’ll understand the image or impact of a life well led.

I have a worry box and I write my worries down and stick them in the box, it’s black and is labeled worry box and usually I feel better after I do it. I have one particular worry I haven’t put in the box, it’s one of my biggest fears, losing Jason, having him die or get sick or something terrible. I write my worries down or talk about them because sometimes it makes them seem less intimidating and other times it reminds me who really is in charge. My worry box (on the outside) says, “Drop in your worries and God will take care of the rest.”

Well not sure anyone is still with me; this was a long blog even by my standards. Ha! I feel better and you know despite the fact that I have a runny nose and despite the fact my poor baby girl may be sick at her own birthday party, we’re going to have a nice weekend, I’m going to run, as long as it stays a head cold, and decorate and give a birthday party for my beautiful 2 year old daughter and enjoy every minute of it…

So today for Mrs. Champman, who put into words what I couldn’t, for my “mother’s heart”, for a God who cares about every aspect of my life no matter how big or how small, for my worry box, for birthday parties, and for everyday I have my family, oh almost forgot today's the 8th(I have a day date to get ready for)…I Give Thanks!

Five Loaves and Two Fish...

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:31:46 GMT

So we had a nice weekend :-) Saturday we went to a birthday party, which was fun. It was at our neighbors house. In the 7 years we've lived next door to them, we've never invited them over, ever. The father invited us to his son's seventh birthday party, actually he came over to tell Jason there would be some music playing and then invited us to the party, kind of off hand but after a little discussion we decided the invite was legit and off we went. Of course what else would Jason buy a 7 year old boy? Yup, Star Wars stuff, complete with a lightsaber, he's so bad...he wanted to buy Laina a lightsaber but I said, "No Way!" mostly cause I'm the one she'd be sabering....The party was fun. I didn't really talk to anyone because mostly no one spoke English but I did chat with the mom a little bit and her friend who seemed nice enough.

Sunday we did a little back to school shopping, that was not so much fun. Although I've lost another pound :-) It's still a little bit annoying to shop for clothes, well actually it wouldn't matter if I was at my lowest one time weight of 129, it would still be hard for me to shop for clothes. I'm notoriously picky when it comes to how my clothes fit. I don't like to just settle. So after five stores I finally found a blouse, one blouse, at Macy's and I put it on and I liked it! However I made the mistake of not looking at the price tag before I tried it on. Sometimes there are things I just won't even bother with, no matter how cute they may be if I think the price is outrageous but I didn't look and so when I took off the blouse and looked at the tag I thought "Holy Cow!" then I thought, "Maybe it's on sale:-)" so I asked and it was and I was happy :-) So now I have a new blouse that cost a small fortune, even on sale, ugghhh!!! Well it's better than the last blouse I fell in love with tried on and paid for without ever looking at the price, what was I thinking? I suppose everyone has their own thing they like to spend money on, for us it's always been taking local trips to Monterey, while not terribly expensive, it still costs money for hotel rooms and lately for me it's been clothes. I just can't seem to find any blouses lately that cost a moderate amount of money, maybe if I was more of a bargain shopper but frankly unless it's for running clothes I'm more of a...see something I like, try it on and if I like it buy it kind of gal. I'm not much for scouring sales racks, on ocassion I might do this but mostly I find sales racks full of clothes that are a bad color, weird print or sized for sticks, I'm not a stick and never will be anyway so I suppose I should be thankful for finding the blouse and for being able to buy it....Hmmmm....although I kept the receipt in the event that my buyers guilt doesn't receed :-( Alas at least Jason liked it, even after he found out how much it was....

I really enjoyed the sermon on Sunday, it was about the miracle of the five Loaves and two fish, I think I got that right. What struck me about the Sermon was something Father said about when the miracle occurred. He said the miracle of the multiplication of the food couldn't begin until the apostles admitted/told Jesus that the real reason they wanted to send the people away was because they couldn't feed them. It wasn't until they admitted they were helpless that God could step in and take charge. I was thinking about how in my own life I often fail to admit my inability to accomplish a task and ask for help, thereby not allowing God to perform his miracles. The other part of the Sermon was about not being afraid to give to God's work, tithe's, donations etc...He talked about the power of God to do great things with whatever we give. I think the point being that all too often we are like the apostles afraid that what we have is not really enough to have any real effect but God took those five loaves and two fish and fed thousands! It was a good sermon and I was glad to be there to hear it, all too often I depend on me and not on God.

Anyway so for a nice 8 mile run on Saturday morning, my Jamba Juice that I had afterwards, the pound I lost (hope it doesn't find me again), being able to have money budgeted to shop, and good sermons...I give thanks !

Not so new...

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:56:52 GMT

Star Wars Saga...so far so good...I've been wary of the Star Wars books ever since the disaster of ....The New Jedi Order...you can't be anymore un Star Wars than that particular series set 25 years after Star Wars: A New Hope.... So now I am beginning Legacy of the Force, set 40 Years after Star Wars: A New Hope. The first book in the series being Betrayal and so far so good...It occured to me that after the disaster of Anakin and Padme...it made sense that Luke would marry Mara Jade a.k.a The Emperor's Hand (okay I don't think I spelled emperor right?, oh well) Any hoo...Thee Zahn series...called The Thrawn Trilogy...was just barely passable and by all means stay away from The Courtship of Princess Leia, which I read based on the recommendation of a student who said it was the best Star Wars book ever and only finished it because I kept hoping it would get better...it never did get any better, it sucked beginning to end.....So I'm thankful for a new Star Wars series that hold is appearing to hold some promise....

I'm also thankful for the Farmer's Market tonight for two reasons. #1 I get to go to the comic book store and buy Issue #2 of the Star Wars, Dark Legacy Comic Series, which so far I also really like, I can usually tell if I'm going to like the Star Wars stuff after the first issue, anyway...Reason #2..tonight is the Pole Vaulting Championships and there will be some actual olympians there tonight, kinda cool, I'm thinking Laina will say...."ooooooooooo" several times tonight. Actually they have it here every year and it is pretty awesome I think I blogged about it last year, perhaps...well I couldn't find a website or anything for it but it's pretty cool :-)

I'm also thankful that my second TB test came back clear :-) That's a load off my mind....so we both have our medical paperwork out of the way and now it's just a bunch of other stupid paperwork we have to do...so annoying but worth it...we'll see...

I'm also thankful that I had a little bit of time to bip by school today, got my computer set up and some copies made and Laina was pretty well behaved :-) Now I don't have to worry about getting first day copies done since I got them done today, back to school on August 13th, part-time :-) Worked out after all, did I tell you the story of how that worked out? Hmm...I can't remember...anyway it did and it's kind of freaky to know I'm working part-time, strange, I'll be able to be home most days by 1:00pm, maybe a little bit earlier even and one day a week I have to stay for tutorial which is fine with me, well actually every other week I have to stay 2 days until 3:30 but most people don't get off work until 5:00 so it's still a blessing to have all that time with Laina and still collect 80% of my paycheck :-) I'm sure it'll work out fine, a little worried but really have no good reason to be so....

Hmmm...I guess that's it really well actually there was one little thing that was bugging at me but I can't really do anything to affect change in this area of society and I don't really understand it, mostly I guess I've been lucky? I don't know if it's lucky, I'm just not sure but anyway I saw this program on TV and it's one of those teen kiddie or something programs and the girl was upset that the guy didn't want to live with her, he loved her, wanted to be her boyfriend and still be with her but didn't want to live with her and she acted like it was the end of the world and I thought, "How odd and how sad " so strange to me, certainly not passing judgement on people who choose this route but it seems to me the girl should have been upset if he just wanted to live with her or that the girl should have had a little more self-esteem or not been afraid to be alone, I don't know guess I just don't really "get it" but I've been married since I was 23 and before that lived with my parents and only on my own for about 1 month and a half before I got married. My Australian Daughter is living with a boy, which makes me sad for her but she seems happy, "seems" being the operative word, I don't think she really is, just another in a long line of young girls that I've known looking for what their dad never gave them. I think about my own sister and I think my dad did treat her different, I don't think he meant too but I think he did and that's why she makes the choices she makes. Oprah, am I quoting Oprah?, hmmm.. anyway Oprah says there's no such thing as luck...Oh the whole thing makes me sad, even when it "works out" it makes me sad, I just wonder some days how much longer we have before our society completely falls apart or if like the Chinese believe it will swing back. Well I have no power in this area of society and I can only pray for good things for people, I suppose, I just thought the show provided such a sad commentary on what is considered "normal" these days. And you know, it's not even that it's a sin, that really has nothing to do with it for me anyway, it's more about the failure to commit that's what scares me for my "daughter" in Australia, for my sister, for any children involved, it just reeks of , "well...I want to have sex with you but I'm not sure your the one...so let's "try" it out and if I find someone better I can always get rid of you..." and it goes both ways, meaning sometimes its the girl that doesn't want to marry the guy as in the case of my cousin, although my "daughter" says it's a money thing but that doesn't go over so well as an excuse for me because Jason and I didn't have any money when we got married, only debt...hmmm....

I suppose I think that the girls are selling themselves short but I guess maybe they don't see it that way and I think they deserve so much more than just a "sex partner" but someone who will love them for always, unconditionally, who will hold their hand in a hospital room, hold them tight when they are lonely, do things they don't like doing because you like doing them, who will watch them grow and love them when they change, tell them they are beautiful even when they are clearly in the worst shape they've ever been (hooked up to an IV etc...etc..), who will look you in the eye and tell you, "you are enough" who aren't afraid to say i'm hers, she's mine forever and not just for now or until I find someone/thing better...well everyone's version of love is a bit different I suppose....for my version I'm thankful....

Are you still with me? McCain's got a new Ad out, I saw it, I thought it was funny, Whoppi Goldberg, Joy and Cherri thought it was insulting to Obama, hmmm.....To be honest I don't know anything about Obama, except for his record on protecting life at all stages, especially what some pro-choicers would call "fetuses" I hate that word, maybe because they told me, "We're very sorry the fetus did not survive." Whatever...anyway he has no good record in this area so I won't vote for him, McCain has a more liberal record than I care for but he has always voted to protect life and maybe perhaps some people would call me naive or stupid to cast my vote this way but Jesus said to protect his children, to teach them and love them, he said anyone who causes one of my little ones to sin should have a millstone tied around their neck and be drowned, no, I don't think he meant that literally but maybe, but I think he meant above all else protect those that can't protect themselves in other words to love and I don't l think it's very loving to abort your own child, give it to me I'll love him or her for you , this goes for people, animals, the environment, etc...etc...In the United States of America with all our programs, welfare etc...there is no excuse to abort a baby, and I know there are people who would bring up things like incest and rape, which are horrible things and I don't have an answer for those things but I do know in my heart and I believe fiercely that we must protect the unborn. I had one young lady tell me she did it because she didn't want to give up her baby for adoption and because she didn't want to walk down the graduation procession pregnant, so clearly killing it was a better choice, how twisted and selfish we have become, if she couldn't take care/didn't want to take care of her baby no one else could either? I have watched a few women/girls that I love struggle with a decision that was made out of fear and they all regret it, not one of them would do it again, not a single one...and they live a life now of self-destruction because they are unable to forgive themselves...anyway...I think my friend StoneGirl said in a recent blog, something like There is No Reason when Emotion is involved, I think that was it....

Well for a great Star Wars Series (so far), the new comic I'm buying tonight, the pole vaulting championships and actually for being able to write and just get things out of my head and someplace else here in my blog, almost forgot for getting some school work done, for these things...I Give Thanks :-)

Flowers and a Replacement for Tree

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 21:58:02 GMT

Today I'm thankful for flowers. Laina and I went on a flower hunt this morning, bought really bright and beautiful flowers, a bag of potting soil and planted some flowers in some pots. She very much enjoyed scooping out the dirt with her kid size garden tools and then afterwards watering herself...I mean the flowers. I planted some more flowers in some of my larger pots and in a few places here and there in the flower bed that needed a little color. While we were flower hunting I'm happy to annouce I have found a worthy replacement for Tree :-) Do you remember Tree? We lost him last October in a freak gust of wind, so self sacrificing in his final moments, decided to split in half just the right way so as to avoid crushing my mustang. Anyway we need to replace him but I just wasn't ready yet to remove the rest of his stump but now I'm ready and I have found my new "tree". Haven't decided on a name yet but as soon as we have time we shall begin the replacement!

I'm also thankful for another nice run this morning. Jason and Laina were able to join me on this one this morning and I always enjoy their company, what were we talking about? Ahhh...the cost of being too busy in life...and my duties as this year's chairman of the dessert booth at the church carnival, actually something I'm quite enjoying :-) and looking forward too! Me in charge of a dessert booth and raising money for a great cause, perfect match!

One last thing, Rick Springfield, I love his songs...is that so corny...probably but Laina and I be-bopped around to Jesse's Girl this morning :-) ...."Oh you know I wish that I had Jesse's girl....da...da.da.da.da.da....Jesse's Girl....." When I was younger I wished that I was Jesse's girl, whoever Jesse was :-) Actually I had a crush on a guy named Jesse in college but he had crooked teeth, that's mean isn't it, anyway he eventually got braces and so I liked him better but the relationship ended tragically when I slapped him at a party for lying about getting some girl pregnant...I think my friend Gracie was there with me...maybe....hmmm...funny the things that pop into your head....

Ok well off to practice making cookie monster cupcakes, last week I made Elmo cupcakes, this week I'm practicing Cookie..."Yum, yum, yum...COOKIES!" It's probably a good thing I'm back in training :-)

So today for flowers, new tree's, as always running, and Rick Springfield....I Give Thanks! and

Smores and Rootbeer and Peach Pie....

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:34:48 GMT

Well today I'm thankful for Smores....In my 36 years of life I've never had a Smore and while I can't say they are my favorite dessert of choice I can say I very much enjoyed making them. We have an outdoor firepit, we actually bought it a couple of years ago so last night after Laina was asleep we put in a log, grabbed some smore ingredients and began making Smores...

Which to me was incredibly fun and exciting and Jason looked at me and said, "Haven't you ever made a Smore?" and I said, "NO" and he said, "Are you serious?" and I said, "Yup" and he said, "No wonder" and I said I've only roasted marshmallows but I've never made a Smore, so he told me some stories about his grandpa and how he roasted the best marshmallows and then he proceeded to try and roast the best marshmallows and you know they were, they were beautifully golden on the outside and nice and melted on the inside and I think he suceeded.

We also had fun with a rootbeer taste test. We went to BEVMO because Jason wanted some TsingTao beer, ever since China, even though we drink like almost never, he's craved TsingTao Beer, anyway while we were there I picked out three different Root Beers and we taste tested them with our Smores... Here are the results....

Dad's Root Beer- was my favorite and it goes well with chocolate but not with marshmallow, you can really taste the spices with chocolate, it taste kind of blach with the marshmallow.

Frostie Root Beer- was my least favorite, it didn't really taste like root beer at all, an old shoe maybe but not root beer, stay away from Frostie.

Berghoff Root Beer- was Jason's favorite Root Beer. I liked it with marshmallows because it brought out the sweetness but alone I found it to be kind of bland.

I plan another Root Beer taste test for next weekend, trying to figure out if there is anything better than Henry Winehard's, which remains my ultimate favorite root beer, although IBC is a close second :-)

OOOOOHHHH! Made the best homemade peach pie this weekend :-) with peaches from the farmers market, extremely yummy and fun to make I love making pies, also made a cobbler but that went to work with Jason and half of the pie went to my parents, good thing it was sugar free :-)

I'm also thankful for the nice run I had this morning 4 miles, gearing up for half marathon training. We have two halves planned the Big Sur Half Marathon and the Carlsbad Half Marathon, both are spectacular races that run along an ocean view. I don't have any marathon plans for this year, toyed with the idea but the marathon I wanted to do was sold out and the other marathon I thought about doing is on the same day as Big Sur and I have a streak going with Big Sur, as I believe I have mentioned before :-) It's okay I'm going to enter the lottery for the Women's Nike Marathon in SF in '09, maybe I'll get lucky, we are also going to enter the lottery for the New York Marathon, if we both get in we'll go, if only one of us gets in then we'll postpone until the other gets in...it's a process....thought about the Disney Marathon but don't think it'll work out, who knows for now those are my running plans and I'm thankful to be healthy enough to have them :-) Besides who woulda thought little 'ol me would ever have run 5 marathons? I think I've proven to myself I'm a real runner even if I don't fit the "type" :-)

Well so today for Smores, Root Beer, Peach Pie and Running Plans :-) I Give Thanks!

It had to be you....

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:26:08 GMT

This was one of the many songs they played last night at the local Farmer's Market. It was a big band :-) Joe something's Big Band, one of my favorite types of outdoorsy groups for farmers market type things. I love summer time outdoor farmer's markets and concerts. We are lucky to live someplace where every week you can enjoy some type of outdoor concert and some weeks you can enjoy two! The park where we run on occassion has outdoor concerts every other Monday during Summer and there is a little town that has Farmer's Market with a concert every Friday evening. In fact when Jason and I were first dating most of our dates were trips to the local outdoor concerts. I had/have a friend who, when we were in college, I think it was college, said she didn't like jazz music, I always found that to be on the weird side, as in my opinion you have to actually be able to play an instrument to be a jazz musician.

In fact, the first non-date Jason and I ever had was to a concert in the park. I had mentioned I would be there with a couple of friends of mine and low and behold he showed up. I was surprised as I didn't really think he would and when I found out he blew off going to his Kung Fu class with a buddy I knew he was a keeper :-) Ever since that first non-date we've enjoyed very much going to listen to concerts in the park. Anyhooo...turns out little girls very much like to dance at concerts in the park/farmer's markets as well and I very much like watching them :-)

If you recall I once mentioned that Jason can't dance, well over the 15 years I've known him that hasn't changed, actually if he's a little what do you call it? Tipsy, there's another more manly word I'm sure but anyway, oh, buzzed, then he can actually dance very well otherwise he spends too much time thinking about what step to do next and it's a disaster. One of the things I love about him is that even though he can't really dance and he knows he can't really dance he ALWAYS asks me to dance at least one song whenever we go to these concerts, it's usually a slow song but I don't mind, yesterday it was to "Put your head on my shoulder" and Laina smiled and twirled about next to us as we danced. It was one of those moments in life where for just a bit everything is absolutely perfect :-)

I'm also thankful for a nice run this morning and breakfast at our favorite bagel place afterwards. I'm also thankful for veternarians as I've had to visit ours twice this week. Starbucks, the new addition from Christmas decided to be a tough guy cat, despite the fact he's fixed, and lost the battle. I'm not so thankful for the $300.00 I've had to pay to the vet and once again if any of you care to donate to our animal upkeep fund please feel free to do so, no I'm just kidding, not really, seriously we should be named a shelter and have some sort of tax exempt status, darn cute furry creatures, their doing me in....it's probably a really good thing that we dont' have any kind of land because I'm pretty positive we'd at least own a cow, a sheep, maybe a pig, some chickens and perhaps a horse....

Okay well fun filled day planned today cleaning out our spa! Ha, and other misc. household duties and actually maybe a barbeque now that sounds like fun.

So hey try a farmer's market or concert in the park sometime, they are free and provide memories to last a lifetime. Oh, my other piece of advice, before you decide to open up your own animal rehabilition center for physically or abused animals make sure you have an extra source of income or a friend who is a vet !

So today for music, farmer's markets, veternarians, running, and just spending time at home with my family...I Give Thanks!

Sunny Days....

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:08:06 GMT

Well we are returned from vacation. I wish I could say feeling refreshed and brand new but alas, all I can say is we are tired but we had lots of fun! Vacation to Southern California doesn't usually equal relaxation for us because it usually means we are #1 at Disneyland or #2 in San Diego, and we did both this summer :-)

Now I must confess to another bad habit of mine....I am a Disney Pin Collector/Trader, heavy on the collector part, light on the trading. I trade my pins just not as much as some other people do, actually not nearly as much as some people do. I enjoy collecting the Annual Passholder pins, which, yep, you have to be a Disney pass holder to buy, as well as limited editions, on ebay I can buy cast member pins, which are pins that can only be bought by people who work for Disney. Ya, it's as bad as my Hallmark Ornament addiction but maybe worse because I gave up buying some of my ornaments so I could buy pins when we went to Disney and I have to keep renewing my Disneyland pass every year or I'll miss out on the passholder pins, it's a sickness, alas... Right now my focus is ears, you can't begin to understand how many different types of mickey ear pins there are, quite a few and I own quite a few of them, I came home with 4 new ear pins, the 2008 pass holder pin and a limited edition pin and a lanyard with a decoder that I was suckered into buying but in order to use the darn decoder I need to buy the map with the 4 ship pins and that was out of my budget after all the other pins I bought...oh well, back in October maybe I'll buy it then, we'll see. We go to Disney a minimum of twice a year, usually 4 or 5 times, and while I admit this may be a bit excessive there are people out there who are at Disney every weekend, I suppose I can take some solace in knowing I'm not one of them, although I've been after Jason to get a job in Anaheim or thereabouts so I can get a job at Disney and then I could buy the cast holder pins!

Hmmm...I saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning. It was kind of cloudy so it was the kind of sunrise where the sun is partially blocked by the sun but it's rays burst through the holes in the clouds, really amazing I wanted to yell at everyone on the trail to turn around and look behind them but I thought they might think I was a freak of some type, I didn't want to confirm anyone's beliefs...Ha!

Read a great article in Oprah about ruminators, apparently I'm one...well truth be told I've known this about myself for years...Ruminators are people who focus on the negative  comments etc...one might encounter in any given day, totally forgetting about the positive. I do this, therefore when some one makes a comment on my blog against my blog I spend the next three days trying to figure out if I really am a bad person or wondering why they/whoever didn't agree with me... My husband tells me I'm beautiful everyday but I remember my mom who said, "Your sister is naturally pretty and you are make-up pretty." I dwell on the one nasty thing a student has to say and forget about all the cards I have stacked in my right front drawer filled with thanks and nice, sincerely nice comments from students about how I've helped them...It was a really good article and I'm inspired to try once again to rewire my brain, apparently our brains are capable of learning new though patterns and can be taught not to ruminate....

Laina's adoption was finalized on Friday :-) It was a happy day. We treated our family and some friends to breakfast after the court ceremony and enjoyed some family time. When Laina first came home I was really upset that certain people didn't come to meet her, people who I thought were pretty good friends, family too...who knew how long we had waited and who knew what we had gone through....I didn't invite any of them to her final adoption, just the people who have stuck by us through the whole process and who I know truly care and support our family. (This does not include people who I know love and care about my family but just live too darn far away to be able to come. I'm talking locals here.) I've grown tired of being disappointed when people I love let me down by not attending things that are very important to me, so I figured I wouldn't give them the chance, with one exception, my running buddy who informed me when I invited her and her family that she had a 14 mile run to complete that day and maybe could come for breakfast. If it had been me I would have gotten up to run earlier so I could be there and if I didn't think it would work out I would have just said, "I'm sorry I have other plans, I wish I could go." But you know she's not me, what are you gonna do? I guess I've just accepted that important to me doesn't mean important to you, even if you are a "good" friend/family member. Laina's great-grandmother came despite the fact she has an infection from her breast surgery and was tired and sore, in my opinion that's the kind of sacrifice you make for people you truly love but again that's just me.  The fact of the matter is people will let you down because they aren't perfect and well there's just not much you can do about that is there? Jason's mother was there fluttering around taking pictures, annoying but I suppose she had good intentions guess she's still trying to make up for the fact that she was on vacation when we came home with Laina...go figure...

I will add that I didn't get the chance to run in San Diego, which was a bummer but we couldn't fit the jogger in with all our stuff and my brother came along so no running in SD, alas, maybe next time... :-)

Okay well this has gotten kind of long so guess I'll just say for beautiful sunrises, disney pins?, vacations, running, great celebrations and learning to not ruminate(which I haven't mastered yet, as you can tell from this blog)...I Give Thanks!

And the Rockets Red Glare....

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:29:54 GMT

...the bombs bursting in air....

Well today I'm here to give thanks for the great fourth of July party we had. Of course it all started with a run, 4 miles on the 4th, then we had a barbeque with family and friends, we played fourth of July party games, we played this cool new game called Mad Libs, which I was absolutely no good at, we played Apples to Apples, which I was winning when the fireworks show started and we abondoned the game. We tried to watch the fireworks from the street but they were too low. We shot off our own assortment of fireworks! We always buy a big collection and my brother works in a fireworks stand so he always buys a big collection and the people down the street ALWAYS have illegal fireworks, which are very pretty even though they are VERY illegal, what are you gonna do, by the time we called the police, they were back in their house with no evidence of anything illegal.....anyway...I know Arnold asked people not to shoot off fireworks but it was Laina's first fourth of July and it was so fun to watch her wave her little flag around while yelling..." Yay, America!"

Today I'm also thankful for AAA, the car club, because depending on where you want to stay being a member can save you some pretty big bucks on hotel rooms, in fact, it just saved me over $200.00 off of hotel room prices for our upcoming vacation! Go AAA!

I'm also thankful to be able to take a vacation with my husband and daughter. Right before we get ready to take a vacation I begin to feel incredibly guilty for taking a vacation, like we should be doing something better or more significant with our money but I suppose it's important to be able to get away from day to day stresses and just "hang out" with your family and not worry about the next load of laundry or what your cooking for dinner or what's going on here or there, so although I feel guilty I will take vacation with my family and it should be good :-) Of course we're headed back to the sea, "I must go out to the sea again...."

Last but not least I'm thankful for all the people who make America what it is today and what it will be in the future. For my grandpa (on Jason's side) who fought in WWII, earned a purple heart and a bronze star fighting for our country's freedom, for my dad who served during the Vietnam war as a volunteer, he was not drafted, for my various cousins who have served in the marines, Jason's brother who served in the reserve, for all the people who provide charitable help and for teachers, policmen, firemen, and all the other unsung heroes we have in our country, for all those people who PARK (practice act's of random kindness), for the people who complain about our country sometimes because they help to keep us on the right path (even though I don't always agree with them), for a free press, which I believe is one of the most important institutions in a democracy, for environmetalist(earth people) and peoplelist(people people), for mothers who have the incredibly difficult job of keeping track of family and house, for father's who have the incredibly difficult job of setting an example for their children, for every adult who understands the importance of setting good examples for our children, for adults who understand that our children watch what we do and do it, not what we tell them to do, all these people help to make America and I'm thankful for all of them. I'm not so thankful for people who don't love their children or understand their role as a role model but that's another blog for another day...

Today for Triple A, Vacations, Fourth of July parties with family and friends, and all the people that make up America...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

Christmas in July!

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:30:52 GMT

First let me blog a bit about my running...I'm still running...

Okay now onto more important things...hmmm....did I actually say something was more important to me than running...I didn't mean that...I feel like a trader to my sport...ummmm...what I meant was...Christmas is here!

I love July for several reasons and these are in no particular order, okay well really they are but anyway...

Reason #1 I was married at the ripe old age of 23 to my one true love on July 8th :-), Yes that makes me 36, and yes we are still married, this year will make Year 13 :-) We are hopeful that it will be a lucky year as actually odd numbers are lucky in China and since we've come to love China we hope the luck extends to us :-) Looking forward to a fabulous day by the sea...that is if it's not on fire...if not guess we'll head back to the mountains...hmmm...and if those are on fire too, we'll there's always dinner and a movie and it wouldn't really matter as long as we're together. Jason has leave again. His promotion began today and so he took the 8th off so we could celebrate our 13 years of marriage! Would I do all again and the same way? Absolutely! Except for maybe three things...I wouldn't freak out about the number of guest RSVP's, I would have picked my own wedding dress, don't get me wrong my dress was really beautiful if I had gotten married in winter, but my mom loved it, she really loved the train which was extremely long and hey mom and dad paid for the dress so...I wouldn't have adjusted my guest list due to hurt feelings...(in other words I didn't invite someone I should have :-( Oh and maybe I would have stayed around to dance a little bit longer but we did have a honeymoon to get too :-)

Reason #2 My daughter Laina came to us on July 23 or should I say we went to her in China. This required me to get on a plane, strangely enough I was more scared to fly to Florida a few years ago than I was to fly to China. It will be one year in 23 days that our lives were changed forever, for the better. Laina has taught me so many things, I hope I can return the favor. She is a wonderful baby and daughter and a great light in our family, which very much helps to balance out the dark.

Reason #3 Hallmark releases part of it's 2008 Hallmark Ornaments. Do you have the Dream book yet? Oh....so very exciting...I have my eye on a few ornaments already! I will purchase those immidiately and then they will continue to release more every few months until November when the whole collection is finally released. My favorites are anything Peanuts, Sleeping Beauty, Rudolph, Grinch, and some Disney ornaments, depending on the character...So July 12th...guess where you'll find me...at a Hallmark store someplace...celebrating Christmas in July!

So July, what a great month, just when the year is starting to move a little bit slowly, I get to celebrate my wedding day, the day I met my daughter, and Christmas, the reason for it all!

So today for anniversaries and Christmas...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner...

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:56:56 GMT

or We Are the Champions!

Hmm...I'm not quite sure very many people know what a sports fan I am. I have a favorite team for almost every sport, well, every major sport except for hockey, because frankly where I live there is never any natural ice and you have to pay to play on un-natural ice and soccer, because I find that sport to be particularly violent and really kinda silly(hmmm..soccer and hockey are strangely similar) that you can get all the way through a game and then win it because of some silly last kicks into the goal, seems kinda dumb to me, but don't get me wrong I have actually attended a soccer game or two, as well as a hockey game and was not totally bored. My favorite sports, well my favorite sport used to be basketball before it got taken over by thugs, rapists, and in general unruly players, I personally think it all started with Dennis Rodman, but my brother would probably argue with me on that one.

My second favorite sport is football and my favorite team is the 49'rs yes I know they've been doing particularly horrible and I'm not quite sure I've forgiven them for letting Joe Montanna play for Kansas City but they remain my favorite, Jason's as well. My favorite baseball team is the Dodgers! They haven't been doing so bad lately. I risk certain death at times because I live in San Francisco Giants territory and once at a Giants/Dodgers game we sat behind some particulary unruly and scary drunk Giants fans who did not seem to enjoy the fact that the Dodgers were winning as much as I did and seemed to have some sort of issue with the giant blue finger I kept waving around.

My favorite basketball team used to be The Lakers, but I'm on a holding pattern until an particularly annoying player gets traded, becomes really bad all of a sudden, or just goes away, he's ruined my team...Grrr...many many people would disagree with me I know but Kobe steak good, Kobe anything else...bad...No true Lakers fan would say they were actually happy that the Celtics won but....

Hmmmm...My favorite college teams are of course any team that starts and ends with Fresno State! We usually have some pretty good teams here in Fresno as proven by our College World Series win. The women's softball team won the College World Series in 1998. I think our basketball teams are on the mend and who knows maybe our football team will produce another great quarterback...actually hear we have one waiting in the wings...

When I first met Jason his roommate was impressed that I knew who Danny Ange(sp?) was and where he had played before, etc...etc...Sports have always been a big part of our household...You would think that my favorite sport would be running as I'm a runner but while I personally love to run, unless it's a track meet I don't particularly enjoy watching other people run, unless it's the end of a marathon and I'm watching for friends who were behind me or just trying to be encouraging...which is hard to do after you've just finished running 26.2 miles...whew....

Hmmm...anyway in case y'all haven't figured it out by now my Alma Mater pulled off what they said couldn't be done and they won the 2008 College World Series, the lowest ranked or should we say unranked team to ever win the whole thing in the history of the series. Why do I feel like this makes my life better in some small way? Well I'm not really sure except that when a team that represents where you come from wins something big, something that they weren't supposed to win, it gives you hope, when the underdog wins, it gives you hope that your life won't always be in turmoil, that your thoughts won't always be sad and frankly that you can in fact come from behind, no matter how unlikely and win!

So today for The Fresno State Bulldogs, Winners of the 2008 College World Series...I give thanks!

Go Dogs Go!

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 03:23:35 GMT

Anyone watching the college world series? If you are then you possibly have been watching my university alma mater cruise through the competition, okay well, maybe not cruise but still they have won their way into the finals...Tomorrow they begin a three game series with Georgia to earn the title of National Champions! Go Dogs Go! If you haven't figured it out by now my alma mater is California State University, Fresno...You may have read about our basketball team, unfortunately, quite a spectacle during the Tarkanian years...yikes! Yes as in Jerry Tarkanian...but I still went to a ton of games inlcuding the WAC championship game which we won at home and which guaranteed us a place in the NCAA tournament...Perhaps you have heard about our football team...We have produced, Super Bowl winner Trent Dilfer, David Carr, Kevin Sweeny and Mark Barsotti, (who actually went to my high school and was the quarterback the year we won the Valley Championship!)

What you might not have heard about is our awesome Business School, our great engineering program, our award winning enology program/ag school, our excellent nursing program, of course our science department which continues to grow and has just added a new foresics building in cooperation with the Crime Lab...We have a great group of distinguished and well published professors..

Unfortunately, you may also have heard about Stacey Johnson Klein, the woman who asked one of her players for some pain pills got fired and then won a multimillion dollar settlement from the university, one of our volleyball coaches also won a settlement of some type, not sure but I think she actually deserved it...Perhaps you have heard about the basketball players, in the Tarkanian days, who were arrested for fighting with Samuri swords, really what an embarrassment, or our former basketball coach Ray Lopes who quit, I think, because of recruiting violations. You possibly know who our president is...John Welty...who some people think should resign but who I think has helped make Fresno State what it is today...Maybe you've heard of the Save Mart center or our Ice Cream...hey have you heard about our awesome marching band or the farmers market we have located at the corner of the university? No we're not a UC and I went to a UC for about, I think, almost 6 weeks, so I can say I definitely like my "little" CSU much better, even with all the "colorful" activity :-) Why'd I leave Davis? Short story really but not here to blog about that today....

Today I am here to brag that my alma mater is in the finals of the College World Series! Hurrah! And no one is swinging any samuri swords!

So today for a great game between unranked Fresno State and, who'd they play, oh yeah, Number 2 North Carolina...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

My Australian...

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:40:36 GMT

daughter is coming home :-) !!!!! She called and will be home next week, I'm not actually sure how long she is staying or when I'll get to see her but she's headed home :-) Hurray!!!! She'll finally get to meet her baby sister and I hope to be able to spend some time with her catching up and taking lots and lots of pictures before she heads back to Australia, seriously why would anyone want to live in Australia? Well I know there are plenty of reasons to live in Australia but why does she have to live in Australia, everyone knows the U.S. college education system is the envy of the world why doesn't she just go to college here?

Anyway haven't really had any "deep" thoughts to blog about and although I've had plenty to be thankful for it's kinda hard to find time some days...

Ok, so today for the great news that my Australian daughter is headed home :-) I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

I started..

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:02:17 GMT

a blog today on a totally different topic..went out to run and then when I came back it had been eaten, don't know by who or where it actually went but I guess it wasn't meant to be....

So run this morning was HOT! We started a little after six and by 7:00am we were both commenting on how HOT! is was, time to start carrying water again...102 today...I think maybe 103 not sure, just means we need to be up early to beat the heat, which is kind of hard some days...Tomorrow is the Father's Day run, we are supposed to go and run the 2 mile event but it's at 6:30am and neither one of us is absolutely positive we are going to make it, alas, guess we'll see :-) Family over our house tomorrow to enjoy a Father's Day brunch, my dad has to work at 2:30 so we are having it at early at 11:00am, Jason's first Father's Day so I hope he enjoys it, although we were both commenting on how we really are still just honoring are own parents and then he said when our parents die we'll probably just be sad on those days so does anyone ever really enjoy mother's or father's day? Hmmmm....anyway, come what may I'll just be happy to celebrate another day with my family :-)

I've been watching the movie The Guardian today. I really like it besides Kevin Costner there is also a decent plot and it's kinda cool to learn a little bit about the Coast Guard, Jason almost joined the Coast Guard but the recruiter kind of talked him out of it saying he probably wouldn't get in because of his blood disorder...Hmmmm....

Been involved in some interesting conversation over at a blog site on Multiply I find it interesting to know that people you thought believed a certain way actually don't, kind of enlightening and thought provoking...Jason says sometimes one of the biggest problems we have, when I say we I mean people in general is that we actually spend too much time thinking and not enough time just accepting things at face value...I think he's right.. I have a friend at school well he's not my friend but a fellow teacher who doesn't believe in any God, can't spell the a-word, anyway he's always fun to talk too, his views on things are so very strange to me sometimes I find myself laughing at him/with him about different things, sometimes I find him offensive, sometimes I find him just kind of weird but I always learn a little bit about myself and how people might acidentally interpret something I was saying as me being condescending....in fact today Jason said I could be the leader of the Taliban concerning some thoughts I had about how people should "live"...he said my idea of freedom of religion wasn't freedom at all...it was a conversation about what's happening in CA with gay marriage and what not...anyway... I've never been equated to a Taliban before...hmmmm....

I suppose I have definite views of how I should live and perhaps of how others should live but when you teach and see the effects of life choices by so called adults on children it's kind of hard to sit back and say some obviously wrong things are okay....not neccesarily talking about the gay marriage thing here, just things I see as morally wrong and bad examples for our children.

So in my friends blog I talked about how I didn't do some things that I should have done right away so I fixed that and wanted to let everyone know about some cool things, like did you know you can set it up so you can donate to the Red Cross on a monthly basis, way cool! www.redcross.org for more info you can also donate monthly to a wonderful organization called www.foodforthepoor.org both organizations are 4 star charities meaning they use 5% or less of all donations for administrative costs...so if you're looking for a few good charities to donate to try checking these out then the next time a disaster strikes you won't need to worry about making time to donate because you already will be....by the way in case you didn't know we are in the middle of a global food crisis....and the Red Cross actually does more than I ever thought they did...

So I guess tonight for Father's Day and good dad's, charities that help people, the coast guard, different view points and peach pie (which I baked from scratch today)...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

"I'm ...

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 04:11:06 GMT

Sorry....It was my fault...how can I make it right?" I heard this said by that Last Lecture guy...I don't always remember his name...Randy I think..He was talking about apologizing and that a proper apology has three parts....Part I- You apologize- I'm Sorry. Part II- "It's my fault" Part III-"How can I make it right?" which is the part that he believes makes the apology sincere....I think he's right...I have a problem with the parable of the prodigal son...I've written about my problem with this parable before...My problem is that whenever I hear this parable brought up in church or wherever the focus is always on the prodigal returning never on the fact that #1 He apologized to his father...#2 He asked for forgiveness and #3 the important part, he expected a consequence (the make it right part) in my opinion... I think lots of people apologize for lots of things and in general those apologies suck...In fact I think people should do less apologizing and more acting/doing...

The other thing he talked about was showing appreciation for people who help you/have helped you. Showing your thanks to them so they know that they matter/mattered to you...I always try to do this for my aides and any fellow teachers or students who have gone out of their way to help me but I am constantly amazed at the amount of people who think it's simply okay to keep taking and taking and taking and never giving. I was talking with my SPARK kids this week about how important it is for them as leaders to be genuine with people. As a kid who was picked on and laughed and who at the age of about 10 overheard two of her "friends" say..."Well we can't just not talk to her we'll have to put up with her she's our burden to bear." Yes 10 year olds talk like this especially if they go to a Catholic school...anyway...I don't like to feel like I am a "burden" to anyone and so when I was 10 I promised myself that if I ever felt like a friend was being my friend just because they felt sorry for me well they weren't someone I needed to be around. I spent A LOT of time alone in middle school...A LOT of time sitting by myself watching everyone else play...I have had some not so good things happen to me, things that I don't share with anyone because I'm not interested in a friendship based on pity but a friendship based on love, common core values and beliefs, and genuine kindness and respect for each other... I have given up on friendships when I have felt like the burdensome friend or when I have felt frankly that I just wasn't an important part of that person or persons life...What's the point ?

Anyway my point to my SPARK leaders was that they couldn't just go around being "nice" to the girl or guy who sits by themselves at lunch and then abandon them, that if they were going to attempt a friendship, it had to be genuine and come from your heart and a desire to truly get to know a little bit about that person. We were not meant to be alone, we were meant to help each other and love each other and I find I am annoyed frankly when I hear Oprah or whoever talking about staying away from people who drain your "spirit" or who sap your energy or who make you tired...etc...etc...etc...because...'duh...that's what we're here for... I find there is some sort of wacko underground or not so underground movement to make everyone believe that life is supposed to be this perfect wonderful thing and people who are not contributing to your perfect wonderfully feeling life are expendible. I've got news for you they are not expendible, they are people...in pain, people who need to know that someone somewhere cares, that they have a purpose, they are here for a reason...I like my friendships to be easy but by easy I mean I don't like to argue with my friends I don't mean that I don't want to hear about their problems or commiserate with them or listen to them talk about whatever imperfections their life might hold problem is I think we as a society have become trained to pretend everything is always perfect even when it is not and in return we lose the truth...the truth being that life isn't always perfect and if you are the type of person who only wants to be around perfect people, people with no problems well then good luck because everyone has problems, even if they don't tell you about them...My problem is I don't pretend my life is perfect...My aunt lives in her car, my grandmother has cancer, my sister is unmarried and pregnant (yes this is a bad thing in my book espcially since the "father" is a recovering gambling/drug addict), my father is short-tempered to the point of violence and an obese diabetic and my mother is hyper-critical of everything and an overweight diabetic, my brother, he's okay but off to the doctor again in a few weeks, me...I have depression(not medically diagnosed although I was offered Zoloft by my doctor at one point), I don't believe in medication so I have to exercise or do something everyday to decide that it will not get the best of me, that I will live my life that day the best way I can/know how, I have suffered great loss, I am impatient and critical and judgemental, you couldn't grow up in my family and not be those things, I am anxiety prone, and I am annoyed that if I share these things with people the truth of my life that I possibly could be labeled as someone that somebody wants to stay away from because they interfere with someone else's "perfection"....so on goes the mask that "grins and lies"...or really there's no one to talk too...but maybe Randy would just consider that whinning which he said he didn't believe in either....hmmmm....interesting thoughts...today....

I find, although, it is heartbreaking at times...I enjoy getting to know my students, about their families, or lack of them, about their lives, everything about them and I find that if I sit and listen they will just talk and talk and when I speak they will listen to what I say. I also find that with young people it is important to let them know that I am not their friend but a mentor, an adult that they can speak to, ask advice from and who will listen to them without judgement or while checking my watch to see how long I've been sitting there or how much time has passed...this isn't hard for me to do with kids but I've noticed it is hard for most people to do with other "adults", even me...

Anyway, kind of random rants/thoughts today...I've given thanks for him before but I'll give thanks for him again, for Randy, The Last Lecture Guy...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

Great Hike

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 02:56:46 GMT

Well I guess I've been away for awhile. I've been trying to spend more time with family and so as a consequence I have less time to blog...Alas...probably an okay thing :-) Today was the 8th of every month Jason and I have a date. So this 8th we decided it would be a good time to do our annual hike to the Top of Nevada Falls via the Mist Trail and then back down to the valley via the Muir Trail. We were also mapping out some things that we definitely want a couple of my students to see when we bring them up in a few weeks. Neither of them have been to Yosemite so I'm looking forward to introducing them to one of my favorite places in California ! For our anniversary this year we are planning on doing the Four Mile trail up to Glacier Point and then back down to the valley via the Panorama Trail. I really enjoy hiking, I believe it helps my running because it works different muscles that I would never use running. There were actually a few runners out on the Mist Trail today. The hike was beautiful as always and we came home via the Merced route 140 so we could take a look at the landslide, not too sure it was worth the extra 20 minutes. Laina had fun at Nana's today, she went in the sprinkler, apparently had a fit over a popscicle or something like that but she looked happy when we got home. It was a great 'versary gift from my Jason, considering he likes the hiking but despises the drive into and out of Yosemite via HWY 41. You know though we are blessed to live a mere 2 hours from the valley floor and only about an hour away from the Mariposa Big Trees :-)
So today for a great 'versary day hike...I Give Thanks!

Pictures below from out hike...

The Fens
The Trailhead
Just below Vernal Falls
Rainbow just below Vernal
On the way to Top of Nevada
Theif who stole my almond butter sandwhich.

My grandmother...

Fri, 30 May 2008 02:21:04 GMT

...has breast cancer...she is 80...they just did surgery and are now waiting until she heals so she can undergo 6 weeks of radiation. Pretty much everyone is worried except for my grandma...go figure...in fact I asked her if she had told all her children and she said, "Everyone except my son" and I said, "Why not your son, are you worried about him?" and she said, "Well you know Debbie, men aren't like us...they just aren't as strong as we are." She was planning on waiting until after the surgery to let him know what was going on...I'm hoping to get a chance to visit her some time this weekend...maybe Sunday...

As the end of the school year approaches the kids get weirder and weirder...it's like they too can sense the end and after having been basically tested to death...the can "taste victory" or at least the end of the school year and they aren't too interested in end of the year assignments or worksheets or reviews...it is very very difficult to keep them interested. I practically have to do cart wheels and handstands everyday...oh...9 more days after tomorrow and summer here we come....

Good running and exercise week so far and still loving my WII Fit...my running partner has been back for a couple of weeks now, although I'm sure to lose her again when she's done with school, she's also a teacher, elementary school. Oh well...during summer I don't mind running alone because it's not pitch black outside :-)

Hmmmm....so today for a good morning run...a strong grandmother...summer...and once again my Wii Fit...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

Such a strange sort of start...

Wed, 28 May 2008 04:04:49 GMT

Well with about 2 weeks or so of school left, it seems summer is off to a weird start. The rain for one is odd. It's raining right now as I type. Still planning on running 5 tomorrow rain or shine :-)

My heart continues to ache for the Chapman family and for the loss they have suffered. They have been such good and faithful stewards for the Lord I am at a loss. I guess without really wanting to admit it I have suffered from the strange idea that adopted babies from China are safe, off limits...etc...Cried yesterday while talking with Jason, cried again today on my way to work...There are just no words available to express the loss of a child...

I've been email-less now for awhile and I kinda like it...Hmmmm... I used to think email was this great thing because now it was so much easier to keep in touch etc..etc..but what I've found is that most people pretty much treat it like letter writing so if you sucked at letter writing before email now that there is email you probably still suck at keeping in touch with people.  The fact that it is easier and quicker than writing a letter doesn't much seem to matter, neither does the fact that the wonderful cell phone keeps you even closer to those you aren't close physically to but I suppose if you don't have time to write an email, you have even less time to make a phone call and I further suppose, if I'm honest I don't call as much as I should, what has happened to the world, when did we all get so darn busy? and what exactly are we busy with? Are there really that many more things in the world more important than people?...hmmm...but maybe that's just in my world, perhaps it's too much to ask...who knows...but I give up... sorry randomly ranting here... Anyway the point was I was without email for 3 whole days at school and I loved it! I set up an alternate email account to use as an account for my friends but have since lost the password and can't log in, it's so pathetic, although I don't really expect I have any emails waiting there for me either, perhaps I'm just too needy a person, hmmm...whatever...

I was reading a friends blog over on multiply the other day about how she was lonely or used to be and to be quite honest even though I am married to a wonderful man and have a beautiful daughter I too find myself to be a bit lonely, maybe it's better to say restless?...seem to be a bit adrift these days but it's getting better...prone to depression that I am it is now even more important that I keep on running or doing some form of exercise every morning! I have set some goals though so that should keep me on track as far as physical exercise goes...

My dad turned 60 today! Jason's grandmother says he doesn't look 60 at all and I agree he still looks pretty young to me but maybe that's just because he's my daddy:-) Nice dinner planned for him on Friday with some friends and family, mostly family should be fun:-)

Jason finally decided on a TV which should be here tomorrow a 40" Sony V series with Bravia, 1080p, with a refresh rate of 60, whatever that means, who knows?  Supposed to be nice am excited to play my WII on it :-) Which reminds me that my WII Fit is pretty cool. We took a short excursion out to a farm town called Dinuba to actually purchase the thing as they were sold out every where else, except this Super WalMart in, of all places, Dinuba, a little farm town of about 21,000 people, how do they rate a Super Wal-Mart? I know...I know...Wal-Mart...evil...but they were the only place to have my WII Fit in stock, what was I supposed to do? Buy it on Amazon for twice the normal price...I don't think so...

So anyway let's see...for my Dad and his 60th birthday, Jason's new T.V., my new WII Fit, and running...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

It's Raining...Again....

Sun, 25 May 2008 15:08:49 GMT

Ok, well maybe not again....Ahhh...California....just the greatest state to live in...well it's raining again....well it's raining again after about maybe 3 months without any measureable precipitation, as the weatherperson would say...and actually it's quite nice to have some nice rain after a week of 100+ temperatures...only in CA...even if it did cause me to change my hiking plans and make me think twice about running in it...oh I've run in rain...I've run in horizontal rain, which also means it was incredibly windy...I've run in sleet up in the mountains where I live, around lake called Bass Lake...I've run in snow...so the current trickle of rain that we are getting doesn't really give me an excuse for NOT running but I don't feel like it... and sometimes you need to take a short break, even from things you love, so that you will miss them a little and then love them again once more, does that make sense? Besides I'd hardly call two days without running a break really....tomorrow rain or shine it's me, my shoes, ipod and the trail and I'm looking forward to that :-)

Sister's baby shower went well. I was able to fulfill my hosting duties and actually enjoyed doing it and believe it or not I was actually a little sad more people didn't come for her party but you know people have things to do and places to be and people to see....Hmmm...seems like we're all just too busy these days :-( Which takes me back to my previous blog about friendship and A, B, C and D list friends...Kathy Griffith, something like that, has a show called, Life on the D-list, Ha! and it occured to me that perhaps I'm on the D-list for some people...hmmm...a sort of strange realization and so I wondered, how do you get on a person's A-list and is there such a thing as being "able" to get there or are you just automatically on a person's A-list if you are a kindred spirit of sorts, does that make sense? I mean people you just click with and can talk too and share your hearts desires with and etc...etc...A-list. People you like and have something in common with but you don't share everything with but you'd invite them to your birthday party...B-list. People you like and talk about the weather with and share what you did with your weekend and you might share birthday cake with them, at the office, C-list and then the D-list, people you say hello to and have a nice day and all the other nice-ities are these D-list friends? Am I a D-list friend? I'm afraid I am...alas... I suppose you can't be on everyone's A-list and I further suppose you can't earn a spot on the A-list, it just either happens or it doesn't...Hmmm...

Okay well I'm excited to go see the new Indy movie today and of course church and we'll probably skip Chipotle today since it's raining, we like to sit out on the patio but it's raining so maybe we'll just go to Burrito King, another favorite Mexican hang out...

So today for rain, breaks, all friend levels, movie theatre's and Mexican food...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

Maria

Fri, 23 May 2008 01:52:42 GMT

Well doesn't seem like my blog is destined to get much happier. Today there was bad news in the China Adoption Family.  Maria, Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter, was killed in an accident at the family home. She was hit by an SUV driven by her brother. When I heard the news while driving to school today it was all I could do to keep driving straight on the freeway. You see Steven Curtis Chapman is a big part of the reason we have Laina. His family is so very important to me and to Jason and of course to Christians around the world involved in the bigger China adoption family.  I have been feeling blah all day, in fact I left school early and came home to be with Laina and I'll be with her tomorrow as well. Maria was 5. Laina is almost 2 bringing home once again how quickly time passes by...

The news out of China regarding the earthquake doesn't seem to be getting much better, the growing death toll and the large number of children left orphaned. To tell you the truth I'm not quite sure I see the plan, well I don't see the plan at all but I believe, well I hope that the Chapman's will take comfort in God as He will watch over them and of course I pray for Maria's brother. I can't even begin to imagine, well I can imagine what it must feel like but I suspect I'm no where close to the truth of the matter.

We've been reading The Purpose Drive Life, we've been on day 17 for awhile now as I haven't had time to work on my journal but out of the reading the idea of pre-destination arose. I usually don't care about that kind of stuff. Stuff like creation vs. evolution...etc.. etc...I just figure we're here, does it really matter how we got here? and as for pre-destination I don't believe in it. God gave us a free will, it is one of the most important gifts he gave us, the first of course being our salvation through Christ Jesus. Day 17 was about being a church member or a church attender and I think on some very real levels I am simply an attender and not a member.  I needed to read that, not that I've actually done anything about it but still, sometimes someone has to say something...

Oh and this is terrible I've been re-watching Sex and the City, so bad. It's a very guilty pleasure for me, really these women represent all the worst about how women should behave. Drinking, casual sex, no sign of belief in God or any type of higher power, etc.. etc..It's a show that is so wrong on so many levels but for whatever reason, I'm embarrased to say I enjoy watching it, if for no other reason than it usually makes me laugh, although I find some real truth in some of the things they talk about. The episode I watched yesterday was about a wedding and Miranda who actually introduced the two people to each other was given the job of guest book and she's talking to Carrie about something and they both decide to walk away and leave and she say's something like, "Oh come on this is a job for a B-list friend." I had that job for a cousin once, does that make me a B-list cousin? Personally I think any part your asked to play in a wedding is special but Miranda in her typical plain spoken straight out language, lawyer that she is, did hit on a strange sort of truth...

So funny but it did make me think about how I think people do categorize their friends, A-list, B-list whatever you want to call it, perhaps sometimes even hard to admit to ourselves that we do this or maybe not so hard I don't know. I do know it's been a very long time since I've felt like I've had a close relationship with a friend. I have friends, don't get me wrong, I have a very special running buddy who I love, a very good teacher friend who I also love, a couple of friends from high school, who I also love very much but I don't have a friend who I can go to coffee with or a movie or who calls me to chat or who I plan things with or for or who plans things with or for me. Seems to me we are all too busy to build those kinds of relationships anymore, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just not as likeable as I think I am...:-)

Oh well, what a bummer of a day...Hmmm...I guess strangely enough I shall be thankful for a terrible show, with terrible values that makes me laugh and sometimes hits on the truth...for this...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)

Unbirthday's...

Sun, 18 May 2008 13:05:04 GMT

"What do you do with the sands of time, when they carve out lines around your eyes...I can close my fist up good and tight, but I can't hold back the sands of time..."

"What do I do with the memory, that just hangs around and stares at me...I can tear that frame down off the wall but it won't erase the things I saw..."

"Night and day...Night and day...Night and day...You Remain..."

You Remain-Andrea Zonn

I'm going to indulge in a little bit of, well, feeling sorry for myself, just for a bit...20 minutes to be exact...Today is my Baby P's unbirthday. 5 years ago I was told that my baby was due on May 18th, 2003. I have two things I remember my Baby P by, one is a piece of paper from the doctor's office, it's a bill really, but it has the due date on it, say's mother's name, father's name and due date, 5-18-08, how much insurance will pay, etc...I kept it because it's the only tangible evidence that I was ever pregnant, it sits in a little black box in my jewlery case along with a little gold bootie that has Baby P and 05-18-03 printed on it...I think I'm the only one that remembers anymore. Today i remembere her song and all the things I planned for her and I cry for our loss. In a way having Laina makes it harder because I can now see in person all the wonderful things I missed with her sister...

We tried for 3 years finally got pregnant and planned and dreamed and celebrated and then in one dark night it was over. I can remember that night like it was yesterday. I called a good friend of mine because I didn't want to hear my mom say, "It was because you ran...etc..etc.." Eventually though...drenched in sweat and doubled over in pain I called my mom and begged her, literally, crying into the phone to come. She had no idea I was even pregnant and of course the first thing she said, "Why were you still running?" We kept our secret, it was kind of fun and we shopped for cribs and looked at and bought some decorations for her room. We started actually clearing one room out and getting it ready.

We went to two doctor's appointments where they said everything was fine. My friend didn't say alot when I called her crying, she lived in England she was the only one of my friends that knew, she was the first person I told the good news to...and the first person, other than Jason, who knew the bad news..she called to check in on me. I will never forget her kindness. She even called my other friends for me. I didn't hear from them right away but it didn't really matter I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. I wanted to be alone and so I was. I tried to get a friend to email Jason to check up on him, to get his mind off things but he was busy I suppose.

I'm not allowed to grieve anymore, except here. No one really wants to share in sorrow. They run away from it, I don't blame them. I can hear there well intentioned but stupid advice, "You have Laina, now, maybe you'll get pregnant." "Don't be sad, these things happen." "This too shall pass." "You have each other." "Don't be sad, theere was something wrong with the baby and that's why it happened." "The baby was defective, it's a blessing in disguise." I heard all these remarks from so called "friends." They didn't help and now it's the first one all the time, "You've adopted, now watch you'll get pregnant." I had one friend who would call and check on me about every couple of weeks and she would let me talk to her and she would listen to my sadness and she was just very kind, I went to her wedding on Baby P's unbirthday weekend because of her love. She helped me to start wanting to talk to friends again, to be around people. I will never forget.

I loved my baby. I grieve the loss of my baby every day but especially today. I grieve here because later on it will be time to smile and be happy and say how wonderful everything is...and it is mostly...but my beautiful Baby P (Lauren Rose) a fantasy name for what turned out to be a fantasy baby, she's not with me. A friend of mine thinks when I get to heaven she'll still be a baby and I'll finally get to hold her. I don't know.

I'm planning a baby shower for my unwed sister. I used to think maybe if Jason and I got divorced and did everything the wrong way, just lived together, didn't go to church, basically turned our back on God then maybe we would get pregnant and get to keep the baby. Seems to work for everyone else. My unwed sister and my cousin's girlfriend were talking about being pregnant the other day, mother's day to be exact and so I got up and moved to a different area, it still stings. Next Saturday I will be stuck for three hours with a housefull of women who have either given birth or will be giving birth...you can tell how overjoyed I am. Throwing a baby shower for someone who did everything wrong. What's up with that? Ever the good sister i will smile and welcome her guests, her idiot boyfriend's sisters and her various other "friends". Truth be know people like my sister a lot more than they like me and quite frankly I'm not sure why, she is quite often unpleasant and she is self-centered but to be honest I wouldn't want to be in her shoes, single and engaged to a drug/gambling addict. The baby shower is for my niece and that's what is getting me through. I don't think about the unfairness of it all because it's not healthy and because I don't envy her situation.

Guess my 20 minutes is up...well for my Baby P...I love you. I miss you. I know you are happy and well taken care of in heaven. I will never forget you.

We waited 12 years to have our family which was completed through the wonderful
adoption of Laina, not a second choice, adoption can NEVER EVER be a second choice, it's a different way but not a way that is chosen because you're settling for what you can get. If you adopt to save a baby or because it's a second choice you won't be a very good mom or dad, you won't be able to give that child everything it needs because deep down inside you will believe you've been cheated, you'll be resentful. Part of the reason it took so long was because we gave ourselves time to heal, well that and the fact that China increased the wait times, we're looking at 2 and 1/2 year wait for her baby sister...

Today happen's to be Birthmother's Day so I can still find something to be thankful for, Laina's birthmom. How funny it landed on Baby P's birthday this year. We bought Laina a yellow polka dot bikini should be fun to watch her splash in her froggy pool. It'll be 102 today...

I'm going to go for a run...

So today for Birthmother's, Baby P, Laina, Froggy Pools and running...I Give Thanks! (IGT!)